A Sky Full of Stars

Note:-yo well,to the random stranger reading this .. its just me being all myself in this site(and iam not crazy as this site seems like iam writing to someone ,yes in a way, its just same as throwing a letter in the ocean) , so maybe if there's one thing that you wanna take away from this site.be yourself and face yourself with grace , and dont bottle up anything negative in you let it out,dont try to resist , let it flow through you without bringing you down....and maybe dont spend to much time online you know,go out cuz thats where you can find real people,cherish them while you can.

note to you:-iam writing sort of everything i feel like unfiltered like might sound insane but yeah iam just letting everything out like a journal but not everything that would be there just top most level i know even thats a lot , that i wish i can say to you in some way to get re assurance but i know how it sounds..until you know slowly i let the version of myself go freely and peacefully.so yeah really if you are reading this be happy and really happy and be safe dont do stupid things think twice before you trust someone and be you , dont give up that easily on someone or something that you love and take care of yourself be happy, and beware of crazy people like me .

note to myself:-make changes to the site,make it more readable and organize the blog entries in a proper manner ,change the background make a choice on what to do with theabsurdlad...and reflect dont react.


28-5-25:-i feel like iam gonna lose both you,this feels different , this hurts like hell..only few days ago i said to my uni friend that the trios back and i said iam so happy..now it feels my inner circle is gonna vanish,iam scared,i feel so fking numb .

29-5-25:-I got a lot to say,thats just locked away ,iam unsure how i feel ,i wanted to say "take care,be happy" cuz idk i dont want to,its just few days ago i said to my frnd that 'iam so fking happy that u knoww the trios is back and things will be finee' and i meant it,but iam not sure what you think but it felt absurd when you asked me thrice not obviously gonna blame you but fk jesus even after that 2 fking essays i wrote whilst crying lol but yeah i get it ,I've got a lot to say idkk .. there are entries down in this site its like scrolling to much so i started putting stuff up,my fking gut says it will be fine but fk idk..dont wanna pretend iam not feeling bad but yeah i got this

30-5-25:-this sites now basically me whinning over maybe idk its like early morning 3,you know i really cant get this thing out of my head in a proper way its like i felt like an outsider or even feel,its like to you guys and to you its like out if 3 people i actually talk to fk me i hate this ,i felt like an outsidre and it hurt me so bad i dont fking know a people from my uni said this isn't really a big taboo deal its like you both will move past it and fking shit idk really know what to say it struck me like an vandal when you said you dont wanna meet cuz i felt jealoud i felt so helpless i get your feelings maybe i dont but this fking sucks i am so confused i dont wanna feel this way like an outsider this sites basically like my whole fking part of my mind that i will let go but its weird seeing ar reading this even after sometime like i can feel the pain but will that what i was feeling wasn't the case or atleast not in way that i thought it would be.idk sudhar called me but she didn't pick up when i called her its like i wanted call her again idk to make sure its not like she's pissed and dont wanna fking talk to me or some shit.fk i said to my frnd that i would rather write the finals again and again just not go to my home and face the problems i fking dont wanna but i kept on saying that i wanna face consequqences but not i fking hate i wanto learn rust and devops at the same time.

iam thinking too much about how i feel and not about what i have said to you and how that affects you its should be stupid of me to think that things would roll out in way that my frnds back in uni said.. its like they are completely different people like literally from culture to everything bt fk i why this sense of longing you know its funny nearly even last sem we didnt meet and quite literally that was the last day we ever saw each other even last summer it didn't happen the thing is its like u know it hurts

when the fox in zotopia said "if everones gonna see a fox as lying,shifty and untrustworthy there's no point in trying be anything else" iam not,its weird how i fking stay in here only you know its like until nandha,gokul and you go to collage and after that i go to karur like really thats the reason iam just biting my teeth and being here i could go to karur nd bee fine why am i even saying all this hitshit

6-6-25:-i dont really know thiss is absurd its like when i talked to sudhar after many days of not speakning like idk before i talked to you..this feels awfully familiar but its different at the same time..iam not sure if you said it..but yeah i dont know why i feel like she doesn't like me talking to you i mean i wouldn't be surpirsed if she really does want that its like she cares about you idk its just me i guess...its like i dont wanna talk to her like apo kuda when she mentions you at times like before i talked to you maybe somewhere around the starting of 2025 it felt like someone distant like someone else its i really dont wanna feel that way like athan i wont talk to her also most of the times it felt like something is missing and she remainds me of you..this is absurd the fact that iam writing this blog,but iam atleast happy that i sent you the thank you message like i was soaked in tears cuz it felt like i wont be able to send those sort text or u will be even bothered to read it but still fking hate..its not lie i feel bad bit i feel weird its like i wasn't even feeling happy for you when i should hv

8-6-25 | 9-6-25 (i messed up tonight - i lost another fight -- lost to myself , but i'll just start again) :- long story short the story is i wrote nearly a shit ton in so short span of time like maybe 30-40 minutes like a ton(and 80% of that was saying this aint right and this feels bad and iam hurttt welll) and now that iam more sane i am re-factoring it to more digestable tone for my future self..the thing isss i feltt like left out andd i felt fearfull of losing you and not ever seeing you right like sudharr tolddd u wentt out withh gb ndd u knoww it feltt likee distant cuz its like i had no idea and of course we didn't even meet for obvious reasons but still i wasn't able to help myself from feeling distant right likee idk it felt we were gonna talk only in bits and pieces , just to not let each other go and being scared of losing each other like thats more hurting than the other option of just not talking laaa likee i get all the crap but of course thats how i felt leftt out not exactly alright it just felt like you where distant laa and after all that i have done it was more hurtfull for me even i just didn't wanted to talk to sudhar after that but i eventually spoke with her like idk within a day likee iam not sure its just these feelings that surfaces up and passes by iam just not trying to reseit and also not going to rumination of feeling the samething over and over again rightt butt yeahh that took less words like nearly 80% lesser than what i wrote lol and also lowkey scared of my birthday that you i dont know of being invisible...and i also was crying over my carrer well..i guess i need to make come changes in this site like its just so messy like tons of words cramed up

10-6-25:-sort of in a verge of completeing a nvoel "white nights" (to the randome stranger who finds my crying relatable .. dont read it ) its sort of bad like not but it was sort of relatable do far and i u know refuesd to read it when my sis gave it to me cuz iam can Vicariously get hurt real bad i mean that should be apparent from even the stuff i wrote a day ago in here the thing is more than that i sort didn't wanna read it cuz i was sort of scared it would trigger me in some way and it would hurt me like honestly same goes for the reason i dont watch or listen to tamil songs and movies tthat much cuz its just something i wanna do but iam afraid i would get hurt cuz i will just go all in on art like i would just live their lives more than that i cant stop from relating it to the people i know or shit like that i just couldn't get myself thats why i just watch sort abstract horror or funny movies in hollywood.i sort talked to sudhar even tho i was unsure but yeah i talked to nithi and i just sat on what my uni friends said for a while and i just talked to her cuz i wanna talk to her nd i dont see point as i said in ghosting anyone for FUCks sake anymore maybe some people but nah not most of em but i like u know u msged in group it felt distant not because of you its on me at times that i feel bad emotions i need to regulate ok maybe even you are distant and you will never talk to me but i guess i need to accept it too maybe adulthood is all about jumping from denial to acceptance as soon as possible to save some time like i sort of feel bad at this moment thinking off that u didn't wanna see me but i feel like theres more to life than that one event i really dont wanna get philophical and ingore my feelings thats the most stupidest thing i could do likee thatt ache as glows in and out of brightness in my heart likee dang ..
like you know i said iam fucked in all apsects of my life yesterday i guess it just feels so not literally of course iam not that down bad but yeah iam not that typical "cs" dood like i dont post stuff on linked in , nor do i have something good on my github like its just you know i dont fking know i just like tinkering around with computers thats something that brings me joy and distracts me from the sheer meaningless of life i fking honestly now see why some of people i know just turned to relegion cuz yes humans are not meant figure it out all on our own but there's some kick in trying to do so wait am like the guy from white nights livning in his delulu most of the fking time am i like a text from someone or an small interaction can just lead to me into my own little world the thing is i do it both when i am hurt like "yesterday" like even now iam just thinking about the text from sudhar asking "enna achu" and ur msg in group of courese and stuff nithi said to me yesterday its just weird its not because i got no better thing to do but aren't everyone like that i hope not and i hope so yes thats the thing i dont really see myself as such cs guy cuz at times i try different stuff building drones?..yeah...a concert light system..yeah..a game...yeah.. a app yeah....and everything in between but i do start and do stuff but i guess yeah like sometimes i have this pressure like my sis u aint got time like it felt like u know anything i do must be usefull in someway its like i dont wanna be wasting time any way like i cant even wathc a sitcom nor a series its like iam fearfull of future mayhbe yeah thats due iam still in the process of building the system that i want or the life i want ..i remeber u said like ..wait didn't you or its someone else like u were scared of telling or having dreams cuz it felt like others might expect from you iam unsure i just remember how i felt after this convo but iam really unsure if its inmy head or YOU or someone else idk..it sort of relatable now like u know setting goals and being scared that i woould beat myself my up if i dont achive it but then again i prefer not to be like that and its ok to set something to look forward like even this site dang i thought of adding css and writing my weird ideas in my other site but it felt like u know it should align with career like its not the same as "solving leetcode" lik what have i become its so funny cuz when i used to all the unwated stuff(aka stuff i like) (it turns out to be usefull) it felt like i was also doing stuff that algined with my career in some way in uni or the other the more i try to say mysel i need to focus on career the more i dont do anything and just sit in a frozen like iam now no i dont wanna be some saint floating on everything and at the same time i wont be like a grind or like hustle or that crap and shit i just be me i guess thats what my life's about and thats what the sites about.uhh how i feel the torment of getting back to the real life responding to the messages and logging off from this site and talking and snapping back to reality

11-6-25:-alright its that time of the day where iam gonna breakdown for like 10 minutes and go on with my life..its like idk sudhar said like meet panalanu but it feels enaku therla i thought ne pesave mata so u know then its sort of like fine but ne pesitu athuku aprm varla na that would be hurtfull its like goin through shit all over again yena like i really dont want it to be like u r talking to me because you just dont wanna loose me but at the same being so fking distant that it would just reopen the hurt again like really u know maybe i am in process of healing but still enaku therla enaku hurt ana its like u know enaku therla ..................welll my frnd gave me some work regarding our joint venture hehe and i started doing it and yeahh i forgot this well..yess thats how i felt but its well yeah thats it why is it so alien to think for myself nah thats the hing like yeah i was scared that would happen and its like why i dont fking know why iam so rigid like if u dont come then its like i wont talk its likee yess thats validd in some sense right if it feels like iam keeping an half dead thing alive its not really about the one event right its like u even didnt wanna meet up the last summer before all this but enaku therla .YOU knoe sudhar said its like "HUH ITs like i sshould meet u guys seprately ig" likeenaku therla why she said that i just dont want to feel distant anymore if any way if u really want to be damn friend its not in like this i guess just keeping away and making me feel off why would she say that maybe thats nothing serious but it felt ... thinking about this i almost nuked my codebase using git (pretending to be nonchalant)..yeah thas all for today i guess boii boii wait the thing me nd my frnd working its sort of fashion site (i feel shy or to say it lound to anyonee) like we started it to learn web dev but now its just we r just trying go through process of laucnhung and bulinding something in real world like a fashionn thingg therlaa



13-6-25:-iam just idk like i just dont wanna do stuff like iam just tierd and idk suddenly the fee paying thing for uni is going on its just nahh its not about you i guess its something more well uhm yeah the thing is truth is i never really thought about the 'carrer' or anthing that seriously as u know i just know i will figure something out and like yeah iam doing something the print-on-demand site its sort of will go on my resume if it aint gonna work out like we want too but sometimes i look andd likee theres something more that i genuinely want to do or idk if iam just looking for someone to fill that sort of missing something feeling iam not sure i am not fighintg it cuz thats a human thing to yearn for connection and to long for someone but idk its just i just want something real i just like u know grounded even if iam working a job i would happily be owning a small cafe like its like sometime i just dont consider anything that's not-social is worth pursuing that sounds even weird even for me to even say out loud like the guy who once had the thought of dying alone thats funny but yeah its like u know the picture of me in goa as a dj its maybe yeah its about my intrest in djing but its more like something thats real and grounded laa like ok maybe this is the point i need to reflect on the eco chambers that i have stuck have influenced my thing sometimes thee thingg likee i wass just in thought of getting the course the paid me money maybe thats the reason i didn't go after astrobiology cuz the path's so un defined and iam not really sure i like anything on everything at times even back then i was into digital marketing for some reason but now lol i just do the face to face marketing...its not like iam tying to find something its like its there but there's just to much rotten apple in the bag so it takes time to find the good one.likee duhh i feel sort of bad nd shit tht my 'dad' will make my grandpa pay for uni like some of it and this fking pllane crash the photo of the crash looks like a deja vu like maybe its in my mind or iam just imagineing it to be like that to make it a stuff i can ponder about buttt the photo where the nose of the plane is visible its feels something nd lowkey after seeing it .. its at times when i write here ,change dp,dont tallk its like iam sorting for something to change within me like everytime in uni someone see's me after long time they all say 'damn u changed a lot' like yeah i just change my style hoping that would bring an internal shift.shit i write here i find it cringe like after few seconds but yeah i do somtimes feel happy when i realise even the ppl i dont speak or remotley connected to me in some way its like atleast i know whats going on with the dood fk i was just talking to my grandpa and like theriyama i started talking about u and how u change the collage and shit..fkkkkk why did i bring tht uppppp

Thishh ones for you;
DISCLAIMER:-ITS JUST ME VENTING THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU FROM TIME TO TIME(for how long?,god knows) (This is one of my 4 journals btw,1 my real one,2 my dream journal(the shi u get when u sleep),3 for corny stuff journal,4 this is whenever i want to feel seen :) )(YOO VISIT MY SITE:-https://theabsurdlad.neocities.org/)

(dev note:- there are a lot of visual changes that i will make soon to this site ..itss shitty now ikr(i wont cuz the way it looks now makes the site look more kidish and i like it))
SITE UPDATE1=SHE HATE'S ME

SITE UPDATE2 14/8/24=I MISS_U

SITE UPDATE3 = i dont know but this sinking feeling that I get when i come back home from uni its really weird ,i am just waiting for something to happen,iam just buying random stuff for you,hoping to meet you someday or send it too you in someway i know this feel's really absurd but thats just me.I really want too talk to you but the things i did and u did is holding me back on top of that it feels u just went apart like its not even a thing and i know thats notthe case but idk what else to think i really want us to talk enaku therla,never ever been hurt for soo longg,and idk if thats case with you hell i have no clue why am i even jotting down my thoughts in here,hope that you will read it someday nd I really dont want my feelings to end up in oblivion.

SITE UPDATE4 = 30/9/2024 you know i went to patrick's house today and jollya erunchuu and i ended up taking your physics book from him and it was weird ,coming back home in the bus with your book in my hand ,your handwriting is enough to make me tear up I mean yeahh..I kinda like this you know i feel like you would read this someday and i guess thats what i need,sounds stupid I know ,sounds weird I know,sounds creepy I know but i dont care i really feel like iam talking to you..and I really MISS YOU.I just have this gut feeling that like something will happen that would bring us close again(iam not insane and iam not delusional*)

SITE UPDATE5(5/10/24)=i found my thing likee..its game devlopment and anything related to it i would be really happy doing it for forever or maybe for sometime or maybe for this phase of my life(funny how i actually started out trying to build a game from ground up for you but i never started it..maybe i will do it someday).."My Stupid Heart" song is really relatable i really like it hehehe...hell why am i writing all this!?,i miss you.."but the truth is I cant open-up"..entha verse from a song i like it reall hits hard if only i said things directly to you.. not just you but everyone.all the bad things i said to you iam just an insecure piece of shit its me iam the psycho..i na una evlo

Site_update5 == epo than sudhar ta pesunen nd ig ur havning the time of ur life in uni ig lol(ofcourse not feeling jealous cus i feel left out(yeah i do u piece of shit)) now i feel soooo stupid but i cant help it from updating this site or doing some random na litrally thungiten i was not able to sleep ok va na patuku enthricu iam writing this at 1:00 am ..this site idk wether will u even look at this stuff at all its been 7 months since march 16-2024 remmember july 25th..? nahh u dont (i reall dont care if u dont tho but i do) its just now i realised that there is part of me that likes hurting people in an vengeful way thats bad ik na apo apo insecure aa feel panuven but duh not the way i talked to u but the way i did with my roomates now and in last year like everyone who occupies a certain metal space in mind its like iam just punishing them.like epo yesterday i had a fight with my roommate and now na regret panala yenda intha room eduthom nu cuz i feel like the problem is me or other way to word it would be iam the problem like in my entire life i always felt inferior to the people around in me in some way or other and i always imagine punching shit out of the guys that trigger a sence of inferior feeling in me but it all could've been avoide if i only i was self-ware i let the external factors affect the way i act and the way i think like too many things i do daily basis is litrally me and my fucking fucked up insecrity {ik its un acceptable for getting away with the ay we treated peopl with some pyschological terms} .(i dont regret anything like the fact that am typing this with zero hope in me says that but hey u said this site was the best gift ..so u gotta visit this sometime right..?..hell why am even thinking like that like you visit the site and then what...?..right away u r gonna be like awww cibi and call me and then what lol idk well i do fucking LOVE you tho and thats the fucking reason iam writing this pile load of shit at 1:41 am hell nah u cant do that u cant call me or can u?(dellululu)) my life is not that bad right for me to yap on this site that nobody cares but yeah its a lil bad i read something that said 'anxious poeple tend to try really hard to win over or attain someone or something just to feed in their inseurity and that someone or somthing should be knowing or unkowing their ther insecurity trigger{alright iam going crazy at this point lol}' gotta move this journal to diff site and drop a hyperlink ..lol ena sola vantha yeah it was me who had anger issues and it was me who made the choice hang around with people who are gonna piss me off and instead being in control i just fucking lash out on em like for fucks sake i always say this doesn't matter and that doesn't matter nd i'll be like wtf matter then ..and then i realize its you ..yes you are the only thhing that matters{fuck u that a joke or was it ..?(vsauce music)u dont know vsauce right dumbass}..nit joking i thought that was the case and i still do ig the only thing that matters the most is the people and stuff we love and thats all nothing else..u pice of shit its like the history repets meme i remember writing the the timestamps while i was writing ur slam book right..?...its the same fucking thing now but we r in a differnt and place and u probably forgot this shit of a site and me 2...anyways even now why do i feel weirdly tiggere for just a small talk with my its the subtl expressions and tone of peoples voice thats making me go crazy.gues i need too peal i mean heal*...god knows how i should do that..

SITE_UPDATE6=Where did you go now..?

SITE_UPDATE7=Well...u sent songs me buttttttttt ,enaku oru dream vanthuchu ..it was really long one like ne pattu paditu eruntha nd then na karur la erunthen nd in some random place u where saying something nd then i kinda woke up lol...at this point i stopped asking myself why iam writing in this site lol cuz i love it its talking to ya but in really lowkey way like iam in a place where idont like manyy people igg and talking to you like sending an letter to you and waiting for an response lol...andd yeahh i really like game engineering nd stuff its really cool doing that stuff a lot lately ............butttttttt iiiiiiiiiii missss uuuuuuuuuu i mean not sad but its like u know iam sad lol..really wut would be ur reaction when u read all these like close it n pretend its not there !!dare u do it!!.....and i really miss you like seriously really miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuu

SITE_UPDATE8=I want you too knoww thattt

SITE_UPDATE9=I had a dream , in the dream guess what was i doing i was litreally checking my phonw for your message in whatsapp nd u where changind dp n stuff dumb dream ik (27/11/24)

SITE_UPDATE10=5/12/24 i feel real sad

SITE_UPDATE11-30/12/24--i got a dream and its so fking sad likr i dont like it was soo hurtfull right its like u where tslking to somone and even in dreaam i was saying to myself thats it cibi its over but why it just feels like it isn't over like u will talk to me sometime am i saying that too myself so that i dont need to move on and be holding on too evrything like yeah iam doing alot oh stuff new but it feels like my soul is somewhere else,why tf it just feels we will all talk again why am i saying that to myself to just cope instead of letting go butttt iam not that kind of guy right it just intution or something..really if i see ya i just want to cry my eyes out ..i went to school annnual day and i felt nothing right like i dont like to be in my room neither so i went but when someone asks about you it was soo hurtfull it was like you are somewhere near me but i jussst cant talk to you ,i hate the dream i wanna scream so loud n cry i hate myslef iam fking alone i feel it sometimes i feel like i got it all figured out but the next iam in this site writing how iam waiting for something so long that i feel embarrassed dont ask me what am i waitng for i said countless times in here

SITE_UPDATE=21/1/25 == i missyou so much

SITE_UPDATE=27-1-25 == you know i have the stuff u gave me always in my bag

At times its comferting for me to think about you I do feel guilt alot but na honestly i was confused ,no i wasn't.. like na epovume yosipen like 'why the hell am i even thinking about you' its like i really love you and you mean the world to me right maybe that was(IS) the case ig its like everything about you makes me happyy nd i was confused like you know the whole carrer thing ena pandrathu i said to you 'enimal carrer mind la vechu lam decision edaknum nd something along those lines ' funny enough that was the last time we ever talked on call..i thought of stop talking was the way to go right like i was honestly confused by situation i was in i was too stupid right to say like that but then sometimes i even think nah buddy thats the way to go she got new people right nd for fucks sake i dont hate any of your clg frds or anyone its just you know that fucking hurted me alot right somethings like i was so hurt i felt like a kid lost festival looking for someone i was soo stupid (and still am but avlo mosama la ela) idk what do except from an smart ass teen guy from me 'This Town' song remainds me of you ,yep no shit 'This Town' go n listen sad shit song hehe..sometime i blame myself if only i was like that or this then its like there's no if's right? its just is and we just are.u know i dont like calling you my friend right cuz its i love you soo much and you mean the world to me its you are my best friend nah more like the best person i have met event if its not same for you idc you know now i got the flash of your messages 'its thats the case then why tf you call me pscho and hurt me like that?' not exactly but you meant and i thats bad nothing to say enaku therla vidu.i do trust my gut and only my gut but enaku therla po i just wanna see you and unta pesanum but i will just i will start to cry the the momment i see you.

SITE_UPDATE(9/2/25) == YOU

Site update=idk the number but u its 20-2-25 its ur birthday in few days ndd idk i feel a bit hurt damn its weird and u know my last birthday was bad like i felt real lonely you know..why am i even doin this idk like saying all these crap in this site i saw a video by trevor wallace(name:-the guy who never left his hometown) it was sort like u know some brat holding onto his high school days soo badly nd shit nd i got scared u know cuz i think iam doing like i speak with bunch people but i just feel distant from them u know not like holding onto the past but its weird as iam writing this rn like u know u will see this ..lately iam really concerned about u know tf am i gonna do actually after uni u know?,..iam pretty sure i atleast above average skill wise in cs without trying that much cuz its i was into it at some point i learned a lot by myseelf but takin that as the whole carrer my gpa is pretty trash tho but i know i will figure out something nd u know i miss you so much more than ever..its weird right like each are in their own private little world having problems and stuff like i hv no idea wt ur upto right now laa like problems nd shit i might never know off nd enaku therla how is tht i feel so fking guilty like the way i even talked to you makes me feel bad bout myself i never said what i really thought right i was so lost ...Happy birthday in case i didn't write smt on ur bday :)

25-2-25 :-its fking weird idk why iam even writing this sshit rn like i honestly i have no clue i feel painful tho but whats the point why am i even doing this i really dont i feel anger again iam pissed and sad idk its like idk even if u remebmber me or anything like ik u hv lot going on or something like tht but i just wanan s=talk to someoen about this i stoppped talking to sudhr cuz idk for a dumb reaso for which nobody gives a fuck its last year was fine tho i really loved doing this sit ebut its just hard for me to let go and idk i wanna iam sad and tierd why tf iam even thinking u will call me or fk fk me fking weird u r always in the mutual suggesgions in instagram nd i just saw u hv the sekfie wuth case i gifeted u do u even remember that i gifted yoou it just sucks i dont know why iam using this site as my fking journal or some shit ,u even hv the link for this site like idk..happy brithday i am just an arsehole its like ima fine mostly doinf some random shit but sometimes this sort of missing feeliing hits and idk what to do like the onky shi i could do is try to vent out by sayinf stupid shit the jut gies straight to oblivion in this site.iam really hurt , i feel empty nd hurt should i need towish you but i nfeel bad hurt i wanna cry so bad i fking hat this feelig of beign forgotten into oblivion dk how u wpould feel if u rea this u say i would be the same if we meet someday but will tht ever happren i feel sick i cant stomach this feeling ig this is the first time iam talking soo stupidly in this site i feel so fking lost already bput my carrer ths feeling is nit doing any good ,y tf du i miss u this much so muvh so that iam talking stupid shit likethis rn
see now i feel lke deleting all this cuz its like my ego or something i dont know but i really shouldnt do tht its like pushing myself intothe oblivion i feeel hurt you know its just my gut feeling tht uwill rea all this someday lol i thought u would call me today lol ik thhatttts fdumb stupid me ..whennusaid ubfeel numb i was like idk felt empty but i had it in me tht convo is gonna go nowhere after reading ur text saying u dont like to tak=lk through phone nd like it felt everthing sliiiping away i think all this ramblig will only make me look more stupid i was fine few hours ago but now i feel sad sad , maybe i deserve all thislike i remember u asking like 'do u hate that i made new friedns or smth like tht' and i said something like no but in reality i very much did cuz u always said u wont be being in touch or something like that and i ALWAYS felt like u will meet new people and forgot about me and you wont talk to me i alwsy felt like that you know so i hated everyone ig iam stupid tp do that but i didn't know any better nd yeah thats on me for being stupid and ruining our bond friendship or whatever ..its like a small part of me still thinsk we will talk and thats reason iam writing this cuz maybe its hard for me digest that u hv a alot going on u hv ur own problems nd gang n ppl and u dont even remeber or get a thought like i do maybe once in a while sounds stupid ik its just iam sry

1-3-25:-LOSING ALL HOPE IS FREEDOM ,RIGHT?Maybe someday I'll look back at this site in far future after you know,after i hv stopped updating it.. should be funny haha, jotting down stuff in a journal is funny cuz when i read it after a year or two its actually funny haha...Really wanna see ur reaction when u see this pile load of shit haha ,if at all it happens...its like u know "feelings fade" (by RKCB a good song) thats true stuff doesn't hit as hard as it used too but you know i feel like I wanna do this,like writing this gut feeling n shit tht this would get to you haha..




23-4-25:-I feel good and i hope you too(you is also reffering to the random stranger that stumbled up on this site)

3-5-25:-uhmm i guess its better to say the things you feel than to let the snowball roll down the hill (says the CowarD)

({4-}-5-25):-poojaa na unta sonen laa nee yentaa olungha pesa mata ndd likee you WerEn'T there forr me ndd athunalaa thann na unta neriyaa sanda poduven elaa na hurtt avaen nu butt the ne actually na bad ah pesuna kuda you where just there right listening to me and trying TO understand the stuff i was saying , maybe its not all on me right but i never tried to say the way i feel instead you know i just say stuff thats really bad , na unta lsu mari pesuven bad ah peseven and i will be blaming you .......the thing is i really love you right i mean really and that was the reason i just couldn't get myself to build up the courage to say anything ,its like you know you where just drifitng apart right and i really dont wannna witness you fading out of my life slowly right like idk it sucks but i would rather just cut someone off instead oj just being distant or something right and i remember you saying something (in response to something i said or did ) like "school mudinjathuku aprm avlothnau ne nenacha apo ethuku epo pesanum" i felt the same.and i was holding onto the the months we had fun after school and early days of uni right .... but after it felt like i was getting hurt for the same reason right as in school and i felt bad for not being able to say it cuz that means saying how i really feel and i really didn't wanna do that , what am i even supposed to say like i really love you?...i dont really know honestly..and sometime ago sudhar called me and said and you know you where in relationship with someone or like that and thats when i felt so different its like you know its like iam the one who was so so naive and everyone(everyone means you) where just you know going on(maybe not) with their lifes,i know you got something going on (well cuzzz of ur dp ) its simple as asking you how ur butt iam sortt off scared and i feel so bad its like iam scared (or more than that maybe i will get hurt )....and you know the last time i was saying stupid shit in semester holidays last year (i really dont wanna say this cuz i feel so fking bad ) welll i feel so ashamed of saying this but yeah u know the thing is i saw your spotify profile with a playlist you made with your bf or something and i felt really sad or maybe jealous ( like i know its not my place to feel all that yet its not this one time) after hearing this you'll probably hate me more like even now you got something going on and i want to ask how r u and all that but its like iam scared that you might say something that will lead to me getting sad and hurt,its not like i feel like a bad person i know i was the bad person always for hurting you...and after that i sort of wanted too runaway from you as far as i could right , enaku yaru ketiyum pesa pidikave ela like anyone from school , but you know i felt like i have no one apart from them and i hated it u know that wasn't even the first time before i tried ghosting everyone only for nandha to be at my doorstep.. on the other side if i choose to stay i was in need of saying how i feel (and i know its like saying stuff like tht will be bad and its like my ego would get hurt right its like you know iam doing too much right) and you know its just i dont wanna see you fading out right like from you know talking everyday to not talking and i dont know it hurts right when you know its sort of like a "new normal and you will be just more distant" like i dont know i just dontt want to get hurt again and again and be holding onto those days right...and that will just go on till we never even talk(maybe iam going to far with this)..i wanted to say like after my sem exams buttt for some reason i wanted to put it here , i wrote this already but i was in the thought of removing most of the stuff (instead iam adding a lot of stuff to it) but i didn't see the point tho and you know i wanted too ghost you after saying this but i felt thats just you know doing the same thing again....you know i still feel likee i still got a lot to say or vent out...its like sudharru asked me about meeting up in this vacation and i felt really anxious cuz its like you know i wanna say all this to you and iam not sure like iam not expecting any sort of good r bad reaction from you cuz its like u did nothing bad right ,and iam not sure if ur gonna find it repulsive,weird or maybe you wont talk to me idk maybe somethings r better left unsaid i , iam sorry just if i hurt you if i said something thats bad , maybe i shouldn't have said.
i feel really bad for all the shit i did , i was just hurting you again nd again yet you tolerated all the shit its like i never even cared for you like iam sorry maybe idk for me it was all me ,being really a bad person..it was supposed* to be a sort of a goodbye message cuz iam not sure righttt how ur gonna take all thiss crappp ,tho iam fking gratefull for the fact iam writing this likee couple of years ago if someone told me 'i would be writing what iam writing right now i would've never in my entire fking life belived it'.




15-5-25:-i got a lot of stuff from a sale in uni for you,patrick,sudhar,nandha right ...and i know i'll give those stuff to all eventually ...and i know stuff will be back to normal in no time or maybe after some time right..maybe not in a normal way we already know off but yeah...

16-6-25:- maybe i shouldn't write any stuff in here and give it some time i know that but u feel like i just wanna vent,i feel so damn anxious and iam not sure how you took what i said this weird feeling in my chest the same one that was in the last year vacation when i made the choice that i'll walk away but now its not that and i said how i felt,and now iam afraid and feel so fking anxious in the morning and idk why maybe i know iam scared and i felt so awfull when u said 'you where in thought meeting up,but now everthing seems different' and i do understand ur pov but we will move past it right and have fun right?..i do know expressing what i feel also comes with Consequences and i was aware that you might not talk to me but not like this i feel so awfull cuz idk why i use this much "I" in here it feels iam to fking self centered and iam trying to bend others to my will so that i dont feel any sort of negative emotion...it fucking sucks i do know i could have handeled it better by just being good friend to you no i feel like iam nobody and thish fucking hurts i really wanna say this all in a dm i wanna scream but iam afraid ciz i know that will be emotional burden right and iam afraid that will make things more worse ,if there's any to make it worse.

i thought inlearned my lesson nd the only to break the cycle was to say why i felt ,whati felt but i did say tht was suppose* to be goodbye message cuz i didn't wanna i said tha cuz it would be like taking something off my chest but i feeel so awfull i learned so much from u u wher so fking kind to me even when i was totall jerk to u i feel so guilty i didt wanna be this guy i hated it i should have controlled my emtions and be good friend to u but now i feel so bad

17-5-25:-I always hv this thing when i come back home like this unresolved porblems and emotions,Insecurities that i have to deal with , you know for some reason i didn't want to go to nandha's house angha nathin nd nithis kuda irunthangha,its like they sort of maybe talk about school a lot likee u knoww in sorttt of a 'school frnds r better ,school that is better nd this nd that some random facts about people' i really didn't wanna hear that and on top of that its like i always when i come back here I'll sort give a priority to some sort outing more like sudhar sonna laa soo iam sortt of waiting for that maybe cuz rendu time vela polam butt konjam rare ana outingg kuu munadiya ponaaa nalla irukumm laa,iam not sure how to even write i feel so insecure ... my frnd and are trying to make a name for ourselves by you know we r doing something and i was like 'i cant be much active for few dayss'and he told 'Get back stronger' andd yeahh i feel soo good but its weird the reason i ....i hate this weather for some reason this cloudy shit i dont like it .....
its fking crazy that the comic show in the site(clickk spaceship gif) of the anime pics in a frame is somehow foreshadowing likeeeee u knowww sortt of leaving/ghosting you .. its like the guy is leaving cuz he dont know any better(anime:super crooks,actuall story is different but whoo caress)...and the small title above the pics(one more time,thats a song by blink-182).....

"Exactly you tried being something.... You are a human with multiple dimension within yourself.... And you are everything, and anything all at once.... The fall, the setback you feel is more to do with you having falling short of the absurd expectation that you set for yourself in your mind of this woman" well this hitsssss hard (arya a good frnd of mine from uni was trying to help me haha)...I wont say i was trying to be something other than me , but i wanted to be this 'ideal' good frnd ... well i do know why i did that but the explanation would need a whole other site haha...(iamm in the plan of dropping my email here cuz this sites getting some sort traffic lol and i really wanna know what random stranger think of this hehe)

18-5-25:-not gonna make a site but i remember you saying to me likee "elarum en life la varnagha nd then konja nal la poiduvanghaa" like maybe in second sem ig iam not sure when u told me but yeahhh..that really did move me sort off youuu knoww its like i was sccaredd that saying how i feel might be bad nd it would end up bad bad..but i had this tiny bit of hope in me tho i was trying to accept that u might not talk to me or things might not be same i still had this hope that atleast there would be new normal or anything like that...i was in thought of adding u in the group 'zush on pireuhh' but i only added sudharr i felt i really shouldn't force the trio vibes or anything for that matter , i thought of adding u cuz when u said things seem differnt and u where in thought of sharing ur story i felt like i just should kept my mouth shut but i really didn't wanna hide the fact the way i felt right and i really wanted to say why acted the way i did in last summer its cuz it felt like u were thinking u did something bad iam not sure why,i eas the one who jealous in last summer and hurt u and tried to run right but ig the last 8 months or soo was really a great moments of self relfection and i connected with few ppl i really like in uni...and i just know when we spoke again i'll say the truth maybe there was this ideal cibi who didn't do that nd he was being there for you,but iam just cibi and i said what i wanted to cuz i felt that was the only way to end the cycle and maybe just maybe bring the vibe* back right even after the call after months i felt likee i really should say it maybe my frnd arya did boost he was in best case :- u both might move past it be normal,and iam really not sure how ur taking all this iam really not sure and that when i really wanted to bring back the trio and be normal nd stuff but i dont wanna force stuff cuz how can i be sure thats what u want r hell even sudhar wants but she did say u aren't talkingg to her or smthh nd thats when i got pretty scared and droped the long essay saying thank you in ur dm cuzz i was scaredd u might just vanish rightt.iam down for playing buisneess and talking dumb shitt right..righttt ..well iam writing this so thatt u would see this when u really want 2 or u might not ever..

19-5-25:-i actually feel disgusted like really iam scared i cant pretend that this doesn't hurt me,i know i have made it harder for you but i really couldn't hold it in me too anymore i really didn't wanna lie but yet i did lie ,when u called me back maybe that was partly true what i said, but it felt like i was burying down the real reason cuz i was and am scared that i might lose you likee i might just be another cast away i really didnt wanna be that when u said you where in thought sharing ur story i felt so disgusted itss likee i mean i know this would happen but yet i said cuz i just didnt want to lie again and maybe saying that and moving past it means good right?,maybe saying anything comes with consequences and i know but i am pretty sure iam not in a mood swing rn nd iam handling what i feel in better way than i would hv done.maybe the pain u felt when u felt when i hurt you and when i said u wheren't there for me is much less than this weird sense of pain ur in rn like this akward silence which could've been filled with playing dumb games and meetup nd the ur also goin through ur breakup and thought we could be sort distraction or something like that well we could be still and iam not sure i tried saying it to youu in the wasys i could right but it felt like i only could say much and ur gonna feel what ur gonna feel and ur gonna do what u wanna do butttt this shitty silence is the thing is i ran away from this is what i meant'i would rather cutt someone off than to have u knoww half ass convos and akward stuff' but i really dont feel like forcing anything and iam just assuming ur gonna open this site not anytime soon cuz its like why would you(i want u 2 open rn btw)...longest streak ig 5 days.

wellll not sure iff i should drop my mail..dont want a random stranger up in my inbox...


20-5-25:-YO...I feel lighter like really the way i felt when our school ended ,bit differnent but better .. really better i may not show it ,its 'better' in a way probably only i will understand maybe if there's one thing i can tell , trust your gut...doesn't mean i wont/dont get negative thoughts but i know how to handle those fuckerss..even dust storm seattles down after soome time righttt...maybe thats the thing i should say to myself iamnot sure...whenver i get anxious ,thinking i should hv probably told this to you,that to her,not this nd that to him , to my mom like everyone...but i could say what i could righttt and hope it doesn't hurt anyone....

its weird when i feel anxious likee iamnot suree butt i guess i feel like i got an lost thing back thatss my love to NEFFEX ..makess mee feel good when i listen to his musicc maybe for you too ( you's also reffering to the random stranger)..


21-5-25:-this weird fear that creeps in,fear of being seen,compared as something else,someone else , fear of being grouped away ,casted away in a way you never wanted to be , The fear that you get when you realise that you have let down your ego,guard which you swore;you never would but the act heals you and at the same time the shame the ego puts on one's own self is simply prodigious..it comes back like anything the glimpses,the moments when you swore to yourself out of fear,ego,shame,anger but now you watch those glimpses as You, with a ache in your heart and your ego in shambles like a peaces of a broken glass thats trying to cut you with sharp edges... you can let go off it,the peaces that you dont wanna hold anymore which where once a part of you ,the peaces you are trying to hold tightly even though it makes you bleed but you are afraid of others breaking you,making you bleed,see you in ways that you dont want too,grouping you in ways you dont want too,casting you away in ways you dont want too..the fear of seeing yourself , expressing yourself in the same way as others::that you ridiculed,you scrutinized not because that was bad not because anyone were bad but because you cant,and you wont because of the fear that you felt , when you think you are just like the others that you swore you would never be (i really ponder why i have this fear in general like being same as everyone or maybe idk like i wanna do stuff differently nearly all the time and be differently all the timee),the fear that you feel when you think you might be looked down upon ,the ego that's shaming you for acting who you are cuz you are scared,scared to death of being seen as someone or compared to someone that you never wanted to happen ..the thought that breaks your ego thats already broken ,"the shame you put on yourself for the hurt you expirence" ...and you wanna run..run till you cant no more...but you know what will happen......and you know deep down in you the more you hold onto the fear ,the more hate yourself for feeling the things you feel ,the more you dont choose yourself ,the more you let let those peaces cut you..the more you are gonna bleed...

damn the rage mixed with disgust is pretty scary tho...i guess its the hardest thing to confront the rage i get from those glimpses...and the thought of me being put up with someone else or being seen as someone else that iam not;for saying the things i felt is what scared me,made me rage ,shut me down ,pissed me off,made me feel small , insecure and everything in between ...at times i feel so much hatred towards others andd myself that it makes me feel bad likee these are the stuff i am still trying to run away from cuz iam just scared to face it but maybe,maybe i was meant' to feel all these and maybe this is a chance for me to grow and learn FUCK why did I say 'meant to' ..nah i wanted to.. it was my choice to express myself atleast for one time and I needed to face the consequences of it.. even if it was facing my worst fears and feelings that i was running aways from so BE IT.I would let them go through me without bringing me down.I made the choice and iam glad I did.

Woah didn't expect to write thatttt

I really feel so fking happy to have you two guys in my life , thank you.

22-5-25:-i shouldn't have acted like that was stupid of me iam i was hurt right but still thats my mistake everything iam sorry.iam not sure i just got the thought

25-5-25:-well i really dont wanna ask anything about meetup cuz iam not sure if u r ok .. iam actually pretty scared that if it doesn't happen after i asked i would get hurt like fk its bad like if u font come or somthing fk it why am even acting like the entire world's gonna end if things wont go as planned its like i know its not even a thing to get hurt its like iam aware but i dont wnna feel left out even if thats the case is fine the thing is iam afraid that i will thinkg or spiral down the hole of thinking like cuz i said those stuff u dont wanna se me y tf iam making everything about me i know its not the case maybe even its the case thats conseuqence i said i'll fking face but noo i just dont anna feel fking lonely or some shit imknow iam not but its fking scary fk..this is ort of shit i said to myself to deal with in a differnt way i really dont wanna act out like before at the same time i get pissed why am even thinking this much abiut this and i dont fking know how i shiuld say all this i felel so bad ..iam typing this moments before i am gonna ask three of you..i did ask now but i think isn't that just waitng for something to happen so that i feel peacfull and ok shouldn't i do that to myself,easier said than done...i am thinking if u dont come i wont go but iam reall not sure if thats a thing i want to do or a thing i will do outta fear of being left out or iam note sure sort of even angry well not angry actually sad u know if i get angry i can think that stuff is under my contol iam not sure..

well iam really not sure why iam typing this right now cuz i want as you something but i am not sure what is it , when you say u wanted wattch FD6 but couldn't ..did i fuck it up,but i cant blame myself either i wanted get it off my chest and if thats case i really wouldn't have said anything i would have tried my best to be pretentious i feel sick maybe this is shit i wanna face or maybe its just same reason you didn't i feel bad but iam fking lacking words to say what i wanna say even in here,where i feel like i can say aything.
i know what i wanna ask 'we will meet someday right?' i know how it sounds but i was sort of scared right like u wont wanna meet me or talk to me or anything but i said to myself thats consequence i should face for my actions but i really dont want to ,i really dont fking want 2 , the thing is i am not writing in an impulsive manner its not like iam overloaded with emotions but i am really grieving on idea of not meeting u or anyone in future ... i really want to ask u but i dont wanna soundd like some moron

Life is funny isn't it,i mean yosichu paru the amount of times we think that we've got it all figured out,we plan something big,we get excited and suddenly something happens laa,..Maybe Thats just life...in a sense life in itself is like a person right sometimes?..Like Na una neriya thetti eruken lsu mari pani eruken nu bt that doesn't mean that I hate you or like I dont trust you or whatever you may think nooo its not like that pooja,You know that right!?..You are not just special to the people you are close with,but too everyone you meet,you leave a ever lasting feeling in them,a feeling of love ,feeling of closure,Feeling of being heard,feeling of companionship at times you give people a sense of idk maybe a feeling of Home..?(for me atleast hehe{someone put the sarcastic emoji here!!(hehe)})..Huh you dont know that right dumbass!?, you will never know stupid ,you will never know how Awesome you areeee ne veraa levell theriyumaaa....Remember,whatever Happens even if we tear each others apart just be happy ,I Mean Really Happy,Dancing On Air Happyy <3 ..


Trying to find my way back home to youuuuuu